Category: Olympics

The Redneck Olympics: Athletic Events for the Rest of Us

Rednecks don't care too much for them reg'lar Olympic events, so they've invented some of their own. You don't need any fancy-schmancy rings, balance beams, or bars for any of these events, just some good old-fashioned mud, toilet seats, and cigarettes.

Make a mud pit in your lawn, keep a waterhose handy, collect a few items from your trash and the dump, and you're ready for your own Olympic events. Invite your neighbors over for exciting events like the wet T-shirt, cigarette flipping, and big hair contests for the ladies, and the mud pit belly flop and toilet-seat toss for the fellas. In place of a discus, try practicing hurling a hubcap to see how far you can make it go. These are all bona fide 'lympic events of the Redneck Games that take place in East Dublin, Georgia every year.

However, I think it would be fun to invent redneck games of your own. You could always go truck boat muddin' (which I didn't really invent; it's a favorite pastime of the characters on the Adult Swim show "Squidbillies"), which involves hooking your favorite boat onto the back of your favorite truck and taking them for a spin in your local mudhole. You can try your hand at the "trucker hat toss", trying to toss your favorite trucker hat onto a stick in the mud; riding lawnmower racing; beer can crushing (crushing as many beer cans on your forehead as you can in a certain amount of time), hog wrestling' (or "rasslin", as it's called around these parts), or you can have a good ol' fashioned pissin' contest (do I need to explain this one?) Prizes given away could be cases of light beer, works of art like taxidermy, and toolkits.

It's pretty sad that I can come up with this stuff, but I guess if you live in the South, you've got to be able to spot a redneck and learn about their culture. (They don't take too kindly to non-redneck types, so you've got to learn to avoid them). I wouldn't be surprised at all to see any of the above-referenced contests going on in small towns around here at any given time, since there just really isn't that much to do, and rednecks have to get creative with what they've got. And what they've got are farming tools and supplies, beer, animals, beer, pieces of appliances, beer, mud, and beer. So they manage to keep themselves pretty well entertained.

And I just have to say it: You might be a redneck if… you've ever taken part in any of the events listed above.

SOURCES: wikipedia.com article on Redneck Games